Matrimony & Modernism
- Jona Kay
- Feb 12
- 10 min read
We're engaged... we're planning... what the hell is going on?
My fiance and I got engaged this past September while at the Homecoming game for my alma mater, Penn State University, surrounded by two of my greatest friends from college. We set a date a little over a year out, and that means planning quickly; because in wedding world, many choose to do the long engagements lasting a couple of years or longer. We wanted to get the show on the road, and do it as affordably as possible. Realistically, our initial goal wasn't to exceed $5,000. Just because we CAN, doesn't mean we SHOULD. It's only one night, wedding or not.
Personally, if nothing else, I wanted our wedding to have meaning so I've been digging deep into what specifically different wedding activities and traditions mean. So many couples ignore the symbolism of what they're doing, and do it simply because that's what everyone else does. Aside from this being my travel blog, it's also my personal blog about life and the pursuit of happiness.
I told my therapist that I'm not a bridezilla... I am the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs. And truly, any person, bride or groom, should be. It's your big event.
Trying to keep everything connected and symbolic, we did our engagement session at the hotel that we're using for the bridal suite. We didn't ask for permission... we just did it quickly and quietly. We chose two hotels in proximity to our venue so that the groomsmen had one, and the bridesmaids had another. Maybe it's an Illinois thing, but a few people that I showed our engagement pictures to had expected them to be outside in a flower field or something. We wanted elegance, charm, and a little spice.
Choosing our venue: what an experience. We originally started with an abandoned winery that had recently been bought and was being renovated into a wedding venue. I truly thought that we hit the jackpot. Since we caught it early and got one of the first tours, we were being offered a lower rate than normal. But when it came down to it, there was no bridal suite, the coordinator had no idea what was going on, and they wanted us to get married on the main road. It's a 'no' from us.
Without having a Plan B, we reached out to other venues that ended up being $10,000 or more. You know, the standard these days. We even considered having a backyard ceremony at whichever house we decided to buy in the next year, knowing it would be a gamble on if the yard could accommodate what we needed. Venues offered tulle on staircases that we didn't care about, extra costs for things we didn't need, and tried haggling us to get married on a Tuesday. You wouldn't believe how many vendors and venues told us to switch our wedding date so that they could get paid to be there.
Finally, I thought of the Pettengill-Morron Mansion, or House Museum. It's one of the oldest houses in Peoria, that was built in the 1800s on the lavish Moss Avenue, next door to the creator of Caterpillar and down the street from other notable former residents like Laura Bradley of Bradley University. Anybody who was anybody at that time lived on Moss. Now, the home is owned by Peoria Historical Society and is open as a museum for tours. The last owner, Ms. Morron, moved out in the 60s, with all of her belongings still frozen in time. I spotted it ten years ago and always had it in the back of my mind. Without being able to locate it online, I called in just to see if they'd be interested; and luckily, they were! The house manager told us that she loves hosting weddings. Going through the Historical Society meant that we were going to pay an incredibly affordable rate of less than $1,800 for the almost the entire day. Another hack that we learned later is that you can write-off events at historically registered locations on your taxes.
Saying 'no' actually pays off in the end, and saved us so much money.
Traditionally, in the world of women, there's one maid of honor and a gaggle of bridesmaids. I truly couldn't decide because I love all of my friends the same, so I chose not to limit myself and ended up with ten altogether. In addition, I decided not to choose a maid/matron of honor so that I can divide honorary tasks amongst everyone. Then, all of my girls can be hands-on with something from the bridal shower, bachelorette party, speeches, ushering, and more. Truthfully, I love this approach, I made it up, and I'm so glad I did it.
I gave out cards asking them on the front, and the details of everything on the back. In addition, they got a checklist card that asked what roles they'd want to have as a bridesmaid of honor. I skipped the 'proposal box' just incase someone said no, and then sent out the boxes for the holidays with everyone that confirmed; that also notated a surprise of what their role would be from the original checklist cards that I had received.
I redacted the info card, but you can see them here. I designed all of these by myself in Canva, based off of different Etsy designs that I liked and ordered through Zazzle with custom envelopes so everything looked nice.
My fiance and I put the wedding color palette together by going through shades on the Kennedy Blue website and choosing 50/50. I wanted to be in champagne, and have always wanted a wine red wedding. Kurtis' favorite colors are purple & green, and then we sprinkled in black; labeling this shindig 'whimsical-goth'. We want to make sure that the entire event is a group design from both of us, instead of the normal 'bride plans it all and groom shows up.' This day is not about ME, it's about US and our unity. In doing so, he chose the bachelor/bachelorette location (it's a joint activity) and I chose the honeymoon location. Our only request was to both choose a spot we've never been.
Truly, both bride & groom being involved in decision-making was incredibly important to both of us. There's different perspectives with planning that I've come to learn. Putting family or friend comfort first with an open bar and other perks, or putting ourselves first. I've seen a lot of posts floating around with 'if it's not an open bar, I'm not coming' and really, that's fine with me. If it's our wedding, I think we should be designing it in our image, and guests should be honored to spend this special moment with us.
Attire: all of our color swatches were ordered from Kennedy Blue (I have regrets about this because they don't have many sparkly options but this is all a learning curve). Traditionally, bridesmaids wore matching dresses to the bride to ward off evil spirits. They believed that if they matched the bride, evil spirits wouldn't be able to tell which one the bride was. I'm adopting this by wearing something sparkly, and having my bridesmaids do the same in their color. Two in plum, two in maroon, etc. throughout our color palette. I also got us matching hair clips. They're able to choose whichever sparkly dress or pantsuit they want, whatever shoes they want, if they want their hair up or down, etc.
We're going to get ready as a group in the suite and do each others hair and makeup, myself included. No extra hidden costs. Just a celebration with my favorite girls. No makeup artists, hairstylists, not a thing except a permanent jewelry party by Maneki, whom I love.
The reserved suite is not a typical 'bridal suite' because you tack the word 'wedding' or 'bride' onto anything and the price shoots up. Regular suites are similar size to the bridal suite, so there's no reason to add an extra $1k-$2k for the space. It's a regular suite with me in, that makes it the bridal suite.
Head table: We're ditching it. It's unnecessary, and we didn't want our bridesmaids and groomsman's dates sitting by themselves during dinner. We're all sitting at a group of family-style tables with my fiancé and I at our own two-top.
Ceremony: The groomsman are walking behind the groom, the bridesmaids are walking before me, but the bridesmaids and groomsmen aren't walking together. Because, why should they in the first place? I never understood that. I want my girls with me so we came up with a ceremony structure to make it work.
For our wedding website, we started with The Knot before deleting it and moving over to With Joy. WJ had the capability of controlling more with registry, RSVP, etc. We did our registry exclusively through Amazon and synced it to With Joy. Then, we added our RSVP list in by hand. That means that when someone goes to our website, they type in their name. If they're invited, they will be able to RSVP for themselves and every member of their party. If they aren't invited, nothing will pop up. That way nobody can invite extra people. There's also a customizable FAQ section to cover anything and everything. The best part... it's FREE! Bride and groom get full control of the guest list. And really, guests inviting extra people is rude in the first place.
The Dress... we've gotta talk about it. This was my original choice. I found out that it was all over a ton of scam websites for $500. The thought of going to a wedding dress appointment with a group of women saying 'awe' made me want to scream, because shouldn't bride's choose a dress they want, not what everyone else wants? Luckily, I didn't have to. I browsed a couple of local shops who guaranteed me they had sparkly dresses, but only had flowers and curtain looking lace. They will say anything to get you in the door. Every wedding dress I've seen in central Illinois looks the same; and everyone said I'd have to spend thousands in Chicago to get what I was looking for.
Pinterest repeatedly showed me the same dress, and I pinned it every single time. One morning, I found it on a resale shop that I stumbled upon: stillwhite.com I thought for sure it was a scam, but all of my investigation of BBB and reviews said it was legitimate. The dress from Pinterest just so happened to be on there, two sizes up from mine so I could take it in where needed, and it was never worn. I did a quick background check on the seller and moved forward... getting my dream wedding dress for $850 total. Bridal shops had been quoting me well over $2,000 and telling me that what I wanted was going to be $8k.
More traditions and my personal comments:
Being walked down the aisle - this often signified the bride being given away by her family. I've been on my own since I was a teen, so I didn't think this symbolism was necessary with now being 29. This is me becoming a unit with my husband, and him with me, neither of us over the other.
Something Old, Something New - Something I just don't think is necessary or useful.
Carrying a bridal bouquet - this was known to ward off evil, and hide odor of the bride. I like to smell good, we'll keep it. Plus, it looks pretty. We ordered pre-dyed and non-dyed flowers from Sola Wood Flowers which are cheaper than a florist, and never go bad. All of our bridesmaid bouquets and décor are coming from here.
Vendors: Not a tradition, but let's talk about it. You wouldn't believe how many vendors won't respond to you if you say that you want one or two things versus eight. If they aren't bringing in thousands of dollars, they don't care at all. I had a florist quote me an extra $300 fee for the wedding being in October. Absolutely not.
Wearing a veil - once again, to ward off evil spirits. There was a lot of evil going around back in the day. This was also when there were more arranged marriages going on; and when grooms didn't know what their bride would look like. We're keeping it but which direction the veil is going, unsure.
Mailing printed wedding invitations - We're absolutely keeping this. People are really doing virtual invitations? Yes, I've even seen a wedding invitation in the form of a Facebook event. We already ordered them in five different variations of our engagement photos. Family members get the less spicy ones, friends get the more spicy. However, we're sending invitations early and skipping save the dates. It said for an October wedding, you should send them in July. I don't know why we'd spend the extra money when we can just do it now and people can plan ahead.
Tossing the bouquet - We're skipping it, mostly because I don't like the tradition and never have. It has nothing to do with its symbolism. I want to keep my bouquet and don't want to order one just to throw. Same with tossing the garter, absolutely not. Hell to the no.
Wearing a white wedding dress - Before Queen Victoria, women used to wear dresses of all different colors. Queen Vic wore white, and that suddenly became the style for everyone. Many believe that it's meant to symbolize purity, but that's not true. Regardless, my dress mixes a couple of different colors or shades and I absolutely love it.
Cake cutting - We're cutting it together but not feeding each other. We can feed ourselves, LOL. We got a small cake for us dusted with glitter, and then each chose one flavor for the cupcakes. I picked Reese's, and my fiancé picked carrot cake.
Father/Daughter dance, Mother/Son dance - we're ditching it. It didn't make sense for one of us, and we didn't want to leave the other out so we got rid of it altogether.
DJ Wedding Party announcement - We have no idea how we're doing this LOL but we have an excellent DJ so it'll be okay!
Wedding favors - we're back and forth on this. Really, is an invitation to a multi-thousand dollar event and free dinner not good enough for you LOL
I'm sure there's plenty more traditions that I didn't cover. But regardless, it's 2025. Do what makes you, as an engaged couple, happy. We've said no to many vendors, venues, family members, and more to make this our day. You don't have to pay outrageous amounts of money to make it special. You don't need to give into the 'you only get married once' or 'it's your wedding'. We're setting this thing up with our friends. We're celebrating with our loved ones. Having our friends and family in a magical garden nighttime setting is good enough for us, and only those that love us the most will be there to share it with us.
And yes, we've doubled our budget. BUT, to get everything we want for $10,000 ($5,000 each, so still our goal depending on how you look at it) is a steal in this day and age. The average wedding costs $30,000. Can't wait to share photos with everyone in October after the honeymoon!
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